Empty Places Missing A Shadow

It has now been a week since Rowdy has left this plane of existence. I have missed him every day and sometimes little things make me very sad. Things like seeing his Christmas stocking with his name boldly written on the top, along with his presence gone in certain locations. In other words, my little shadow is no longer here.

Many times I catch myself, looking in the directions I expect to see him in. When I come in the door, I glance toward the den, expecting him to come out to greet me. If I open a crinkly bag of chips, I anticipate to see him come running to see what I got. When I am out back in my workshop and head back toward the house, I look to see his little head peering out the door in anticipation of seeing me return to the house. Many times I glance over at his pillow bed in the corner of the den, expecting to see him lying there, while wondering if he is asleep, or looking up at me. When I scoot my chair back away from the desk, I still look to see that I don't back into him, but he is no longer here.

When ever I go to the bathroom, I wait to hear the noise of his claws coming down the hall to my location, only to be met with silence. Or when I finish up with a shower, he would be waiting, curled up on the bathroom rug. When I get up in the middle of the night, I look over at the empty space on the bed, expecting to see if my disturbance woke him up or if he is still asleep.

Though in the past, I sometimes had been forced to leave him at home, whenever I went somewhere in the car.  However, I would still take him every chance I could, which was most of the time. The empty car seat next to me has been a tough one and I have even subconsciously reached over to pet him, though he is no longer there.  I have imagined his spirit laying there for a visit and I pet the air space where his head used to be, thinking I am giving him the comfort he used to enjoy, when he was in this plane of life.

And, I so miss the joy he brought to everyone, when he was by my side in public.

These were all those little knee jerk reactions that became habit, which we never realized we did so often, until someone is gone.

Below are the last photos of Rowdy. The one where is is lying down outside, shows how weak he got, as he would take care of business and then just lie down, as he was too exhausted to keep moving around. I would usually have to go outside and carry him back in, after he was done. I was surprised that he was able to remain sitting up and standing long enough, for the other two pics.

 

 

 

 

A Very Sad Day

Today was the day that I had to make the tough decision, regarding Rowdy's fate and life. I have been dreading this decision for months, but knew it would eventually come. So today, all his ailments came to a head and I knew it was time to send him across the Rainbow Bridge.

Even though he had a good day, a week ago Saturday, he was slowly going downhill during the rest of that week, until his antibiotic prescription ended. After the dosages were finished, he progressed downhill faster into this last weekend. He was already having breathing difficulties, as I believed the cancer had invaded his lungs. Even more so, when exerting himself and he would erupt in labored breathing and wheezing, only after trying to walk 10 to 15 feet.

The last several days, he was reducing his food consumption and when Sunday came, he barely would eat any his meals, leaving most of the food left in the bowl. Monday, he stopped eating all together and wouldn't even take his favorite treat, or even eat human food, which he used to crave. It was as if he lost all desire to eat.

He was also getting weaker by the day, having trouble standing and walking. The last couple of days, he would trip, slip and/or fall, or just lay down exhausted. All of these ailments together, was telling me it was finally time, time to end his suffering. His quality of life was now gone.

This morning, we had a quiet 20 minute drive to the Vet and he lay in the seat, while I petted and caressed him all the way. At the Vet's, they got him directly into a room, but I had to wait a little bit for the Vet, as they were busy. But soon they were there and we discussed what I wanted and he told me how they do it now, as I remembered a different scenario from over 4 decades ago.

They first gave him a sedative and after it took effect, then they gave him the shot. In about a minute or two, his heart stopped and he crossed the Rainbow bridge.

After I left, I headed to the farm. I propped him in a lying down pose in the seat, the same one he rode to the Vet in, and still petted him during the drive. Though I knew he now was gone, it was comforting to keep petting him, as I was having great difficulty letting him go.

It took me an hour, trying to get motivated to prepare him for burial. I used his paw printed blanket, which he rode in the car on for years, and the old towels he also sat on, to gently wrap him up. I couldn't cover his face for several minutes, knowing it was the last time I would see him, but I finally finished and had him ready.

I had already picked out a spot for him, next to a young oak tree and overlooking a pond and the farm buildings behind some trees. It is a nice peaceful place and I buried him there. I shoveled in some soft soil around and on top of him, before using the tractor to push the hard ground to finish, and was finally done.

This ends my life with Rowdy, the most wonderful little doggy in the world. Rest in peace, my little shadow.

Now that he is across the Rainbow Bridge, he is reunited with he pal Wrigley. They are running and playing, like in this old photo of how I believe Rowdy is now. 

 

Though he reached the end of his life, this is not the end of this blog. I have more thoughts and memories I wish to share and photos to share before wrapping it up and I may never truly end this blog. It contains many wonderful memories of his life with me.

 

I Got It All Wrong

 

As it turns out, Rowdy is a year younger, than what I had remembered. I thought I took him home for the first time on January 1^st, 2010. I also thought that I started this blog on that same day. So I scrolled back to the beginning of this blog, to confirm this and found out that I did start it on the first day I bought him home, but that first day was in 2011 and not 2010. So that means that I have had him for 15 and not 16 years. Somehow I messed up, mixing up his birth year with the year he came to live with me and he is actually a year younger, than what I have been telling everyone for the last several years. Oops!

Barking Mechanism Nonfunctional

It has been several months since I heard Rowdy bark. Part of the problem is his loss of vision and even hearing. Since he can only see basic human forms and not their identity, he no longer alarms to strangers. He only ID's by scent and only after he has physical contact, making it too late to be alarmed.

However he has barked several times, in about three different dreams. It sounds like a repeated and very muffled woof, while his legs or paws twitch. It's as if he is hot on the trail of a rabbit or squirrel, or maybe running from another threatening dog. In any event, you can tell that he is very excited in the dream.

Even though now, he is so crippled by his cancerous leg, in those dreams, he is running around barking, like he was young and healthy again.

 

The Decision To Euthanize

 

No, Rowdy is still with me as of this posting. However, each day inches him closer to that decision. Twice I thought I was going to take him, but he turned around and was better for a while.

As anyone who has had, and loved a pet for it's entire life would know, making this decision, is a very difficult one. Though in some cases, some people might think it is cruel, robbing them of life, when it really is a decision made purely out of love. The truly difficult part, can be deciding when is the right time. At what point is the animal's quality of life gone. For me personally, it's the quality of life that 'is' the deciding factor.

Rowdy's best buddy, Wrigley, who was born almost two years after I got Rowdy, had to be put down last year, because his quality of life was gone. He had lost most of his vision and a good portion of his hearing and would stagger aimlessly around the room in circles, totally lost in his own mind. It was his time and I totally supported the lovely lady, who had to make that difficult decision. 

 

I have great empathy for animals, and especially for my Rowdy. I now monitor him daily, watching for the signs. I watch his physical condition, to see if he can still get around. I watch the cancer in his leg, as it is now 5+ times larger in diameter, than his normal leg, but that has not stopped him. I try to determine if he is in pain or not, though lately his breathing has become more labored. I also watch his appetite, which has for the most part been really good, but he has become more finicky over what he will eat. However, the most important measure of his quality of life, is his spirit. 

 

 

He still has strong desire to be, wherever I happen to be, and tries to follow me from room to room, even though his physical limitations may hamper that desire. He wants to go with me, every time I go anywhere in the car, even if he has to stay in the car, while I temporally leave him there to conduct business in a store, or wherever. He still gets excited over treats and will almost take your fingers off, just to grab them for consumption. He also, is partially blind and deaf, but can still mostly function in a relatively normal manor. 

 

 

So looking at all the stat's, is he bad enough now to send him across the Rainbow Bridge? Am I being selfish and cruel, keeping him around longer? Would someone take one look at his cancerous leg and say, I should have already had him put down? In my opinion, as long as he is still receiving some enjoyment from life and is receiving my love with happy enthusiasm, then I cannot rob him of that enjoyment of life. 

 

Even with all this said, I know that Rowdy will soon be crossing the Rainbow Bridge and reuniting with his buddy Wrigley. They will both be restored to health and run and play, until the time when we rejoin them.

Wow, The Tail Still Works

Rowdy has recently deteriorated, to a point where I believed his quality of life was all but gone. He just laid around mostly lethargic and had developed urinary incontinence, for which I have had a to put diapers on him for. He also appeared like he had total brain fog and was starting to lose his appetite. So I have been very close to sending him across the Rainbow Bridge.

Four days ago I noticed that he had some unnatural discharges in the diapers, so I was thinking he had an infection. I still had some antibiotics that the Vet prescribed for him a couple of years ago, and started dosing him with the remaining half of the prescription. I also pulled him off the steroids and put him back on his pain meds.

He's been on them for four days now and what a transformation. I noticed substantial improvement by the 2^nd day, as he has come back from the fog and is a little more active, even in his disabled state with the cancerous leg. He has stopped wetting his diapers, though I still leave them on and only remove them, when he goes outside to do his business. He is also more interested in his food.

To me, the most amazing and uplifting thing he did today, is he came to me with his tail wagging and it fired up wagging must faster, when I greeted him fondly. I had not seen his tail wag in over two months and I was elated at his friendly and happy gesture. It was as if my lost doggy finally returned home.

 

Our Anniversary

Edit; 1/21/2026,  I was incorrect with the beginning date of our relationship.  Rowdy was born in 2010 and I brought him home on January 1 2011, which means that I had him for 15 years, not 16 years.  So the dates in the below post, were incorrect.

 

So, January 1^st, 2026 is Rowdy's and my Anniversary. We have been together now for 16 years. In his condition, I wasn't sure he was going to make it, but he did. This did my heart good.

Over the years, I never much thought of our anniversaries. It was just always New Years Day and a day lost in the human celebrations. However this year, with his cancer and declining health, my mind has brought it to the forefront. It has also brought back memories of when he was still just a pup, that showed up on the family farm one day.

I had not thought of getting a dog, as I had never lived in a location that was suited for pets. Even though I may had been able to made it work, in most cases it was not worth the risk. However, when Rowdy came along, I now had a decent place with a fenced yard, so I could actually get and properly take care of a pet.

Showing up as a stray, we could only guess at when he was born, probably in February or March of 2009. I don't remember when he first showed up, but I was thinking around the end of June of that year. My father always had a soft spot for strays and he took Rowdy in. Based on his looks, he named him Short Stop. When I took him to be mine, I changed his name to Rowdy, reflecting his personality.

Rowdy had such an ingratiating personality, that I quickly fell in love with him. I was at the farm almost every weekend at the time, only skipping one here and there. Rowdy would run up to greet me with such happiness and enthusiasm, whenever I would clap my hands, whistle and yell out, “Hot Dog” when he came running. Since at the time, I though he was part Dachshund or wiener dog, he was my little Hot Dog. I was usually pulling a small trailer, hauling things back and forth from the farm, and he would run jump on the trailer and put his paws up on the rail, to elevate himself closer to me. These were very fond memories of his early days.

So I made the decision to bring him home with me on January 1^st of 2010, to start our life together, which is also when I started this blog. Happy Anniversary little buddy!